As a Buddhist, you're supposed to speak lovingly. I think the "mantra" to think before speaking was something like "is what you are about to say: loving, kind, helpful and needed" if it wasn't, stay quiet.
This introduced a problem for me. It feels okay and appropriate in a monastery, but it didn't translate well to my life and relationships. If I was to think of the mantra before speaking to a stranger, sure it probably would have worked nicely. That's because there is no relationship.
If I start being "lovelier than thou" to a friend with whom I am usually changing words of pretty rough stuff, he would most likely feel very awkward. Making someone feel awkward doesn't seem like a wholesome activity.
Let's just say an outsider would probably think I'm an asshole if they heard me talking like that to a friend.
But to us that is loving speech. He knows I love him when I say the things I say, and I know he loves me when he responds in kind and we laugh. We both are creating happiness in each other. Isn't that the purpose of loving speech?
I get it. You're not supposed to speak nonsense, not in a monastery. I'm just not ready to abandon my laughing, fucked up sangha by being the most awkward person to be around. I also know most of the stuff we speak comes from mostly our ego. Humor after all feeds the ego.
My priority isn't on becoming enlightened and "boring". My priority is to live my life as I see best. I like making my friends feel good rather than awkward, and as long as I'm present and conscious about what I do, it's fine, and rather than impose my ego defeating "beliefs" on friends who love to laugh, I prefer to give them what they like in their life. To me that's loving.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
What I believe in right now
I have to write this out now, mindfully, as a kind of therapy and self-revelation. As you might know I've thrown away a belief system quite recently. That doesn't however mean that I have no belief. As a belief here, I think I mean something that isn't seen in the everyday life, or perhaps better would be just something that is beyond senses. I can't call it supernatural, because to me it's the most natural thing in the world.
First, I believe in interdependence. This to me, means that as we are now, we could not exist without everything else in the world as they are now. If I hadn't eaten this meal that was provided by the whole world directly and indirectly, I wouldn't be as I am now. I would be a different me. One that had not eaten the meal, and therefore wouldn't be quite as nourished now. I am always me in the present moment. I live with the decisions I make. I am always me, but I wouldn't be the same me if things had gone differently.
I am not only me, but I am everyone. And everything. Me consists of things that are not me, but have made me me. I am the persons who bullied me at school, they have helped make me who I am today. I would be totally different had I not been bullied. They live in me, their actions and impressions. Also in me live their parents, the people who provided them and their parents with food; like farmers, butchers and everything that helped them be them. When I go beyond time and space and think what has influenced, even seemly insignificantly, to things, persons, anything. A smile, a bread, a ray of sun. These have all influenced people. And those people have indirectly passed down the ray of sun to everyone they meet.
Second, I believe that accepting things brings much less suffering than holding onto grief about things. There are horrible things happening in the world, that's for sure, but to let go of the negative feelings they have brought us is to let go of them. If something bad had happened to me yesterday, it would probably have felt bad at that moment. I can hold on to the bad feeling if I want, but that only means the bad event is still influencing me. It's still happening. If I accept, forgive and let go, the bad event disappears. It happened, it felt bad, but I've gotten over it and it holds nothing over me anymore. I won't feed it and give it power angsting over it. I release it and be free. Maybe forget it even ever happened.
This can be difficult. It's something else to forgive someone raping you, than it is forgiving someone for cutting you off in traffic. If you don't accept, no matter how hard it would feel now, and forgive your rapist, it's like the event hasn't passed. I'm not saying you should accept being raped, I'm saying you should accept having been raped. If you hold on to it, it will keep you down. Only by letting go, are you ever free.
Third, I believe everyone deserves to be loved, accepted and unjudged. I have no political view of the justice system to give you now, unjudged doesn't mean that. Unjudged, a word I may have just invented, means to live freely without being judged by normal people. Judges can judge if you do something wrong, but not normal people. As Jesus said: "He who is without sin, should cast the first stone." or something like that. If you don't want people to judge you, don't judge people. I sure as hell don't like to be judged for who and what I am, so I try to refrain from judging other people for who and what they are.
This is important. People are, due to interdependence, who they are because other people are who they are, and things are how they are and because of everything that's ever happened anywhere to anyone, indirectly, insignificantly, but still. It isn't fair to judge people because of their looks. It's a part of them. I don't even think it's fair to morally judge a thief. She is a thief because of everything that has happened not just in her life, but what has happened in the lives of everyone she has ever met and how they have treated her, where she has lived and who else has lived there, and as I said in the interdependence part, everything. By saying this, I mean you too have very indirectly influenced everyone else. I don't want to judge anyone, because I am in them too, so then I'm judging myself as a part of him/her. And I don't like to be judged. I'm not gonna go into loving and accepting more since they kinda work the same way.
Fourth, I believe that cultivating a curious, child-like mind, experiencing everything anew, will bring much happiness to my life. It's not just a belief though. I know it because when I do it I feel it working. To do this, for example: Look at literally anything, knowingly letting go of all assumptions, expectations and definitions of it. Look at a table like you've never seen a table before. What is this! Now I have to warn you, doing this in an open space office, will probably make you look retarded. But hey, from what I've seen and heard, retarded, or more simple minded people, are usually happier. Do it when you can, but don't let it destroy your life. Do it in your mind. Don't ask your wife "What is this? What are these? How do you use this?" Just experience with curiosity and intrigue, inside your being, and nobody will see anything different in you, except the radiance of joy
Fifth, I believe one shouldn't be sure of anything. I have made the mistake many times in a dangerous situation, being sure there isn't any danger, not re-checking and being exposed to danger. It's better to be sure than sorry. Don't go neurotic on me though, don't keep rechecking if you have your keys with you through the whole day. It will just gnaw at you. Be free to experiences. Accept difficulties and events that seem to hinder you. Do not not do something because of fear what might happen. If you don't do something, let it be governed by something else than fear. Checking your keys is a fear of having left the keys somewhere and not getting back home to safety. Oh, back to topic.
Sixth, fear nothing. If you feel a fear of doing something, do it anyway. Fear sucks. Believe me. I've lived in fear for many years. Acceptance destroys fear. If I'm afraid of doing something, because something might happen, what do I have to fear if I accept the unwanted result? So what if X, I'll live.
Seventh, I do not believe in dying. I am everyone. I live in everyone and everything. If I "die", it is just the ceasing of this conciousness and one manifestation of life itself, and even the universe. I will continue to live in everything and everyone I've influenced ever in my years of living. Even slightly. Combined, that's still a lot of me living. And they will be living forever, until the whole world is no more. Grandiose? Yeah, a westerner might call it that. *hipster glasses*.
These are all what resonate with my very being. Tearing down everything about not being hedonistic, speaking only loving words and all that buddhism was, left me with these seven truths. I say truths, because they're true to me. Do not take my word for anything. Never be sure. These are what I feel are true now, but they will probably change as I change. Again, do not believe me, rather....
Eighth, I am enough. I don't need an outside truth that was figured by someone else. I need to listen to myself and feel what is true to me. Find it in meditation, in the Flow, or whatever feels right for you. I'm not here to tell you what's true for you, nobody should do that. These are just my beliefs I had to clarify for myself so I could be once again at peace, without huge mental chaos. Find what's right for you. Listen to no-one's advice. Who do they think they are, knowing better about your life than you yourself. Free yourself. Listen to yourself. Know yourself.
Oh and also
Ninth, be present. Every moment you live longing for the past or hoping for the future; or regretting the past and fearing the future, is another moment you are not living in what there is right now. To me, the only thing there is, is right now. My fingers dancing on the keyboard. Thinking I could picture the future would be arrogant. How could I, one person, think I knew how everything would turn out. Besides what good does it do to only start living and being happy after I've reached this or that goal or milestone. I'll be happy when I get this. After you get it you're already looking for something else you don't yet have. Be content with this moment. I'm here because I prioritized myself in this moment to let my fingers dance. I have an exam in a few hours, but I couldn't possibly picture how that moment will turn out, nor is it required of me. The beauty of life is that it's a surprise. When I get to the exam room, who knows who else will be there. Some may have fallen sick and have not come. Who knows what the exam will look like. I'm not typing here, wishing to be there. I'm not typing and wishing to be reading for the exam. I'm typing here, treasuring this moment, and every in and out breath. Soon I will probably be reading for the exam. I might make food if I become hungry. Who knows! But now? When everything happens and is not just a projection of the mind? I make sure I'm present.
TL;DR?
I believe in:
-Interdependence
-Accepting and letting go
-Love, accept and don't judge others
-Intrigued, simple mind
-Never be sure
-Live without fear
-Death is an illusion, you live on in everything
-You don't need a dogma, find your own truth
-Being conscious of what is going on, living in every moment
First, I believe in interdependence. This to me, means that as we are now, we could not exist without everything else in the world as they are now. If I hadn't eaten this meal that was provided by the whole world directly and indirectly, I wouldn't be as I am now. I would be a different me. One that had not eaten the meal, and therefore wouldn't be quite as nourished now. I am always me in the present moment. I live with the decisions I make. I am always me, but I wouldn't be the same me if things had gone differently.
I am not only me, but I am everyone. And everything. Me consists of things that are not me, but have made me me. I am the persons who bullied me at school, they have helped make me who I am today. I would be totally different had I not been bullied. They live in me, their actions and impressions. Also in me live their parents, the people who provided them and their parents with food; like farmers, butchers and everything that helped them be them. When I go beyond time and space and think what has influenced, even seemly insignificantly, to things, persons, anything. A smile, a bread, a ray of sun. These have all influenced people. And those people have indirectly passed down the ray of sun to everyone they meet.
Second, I believe that accepting things brings much less suffering than holding onto grief about things. There are horrible things happening in the world, that's for sure, but to let go of the negative feelings they have brought us is to let go of them. If something bad had happened to me yesterday, it would probably have felt bad at that moment. I can hold on to the bad feeling if I want, but that only means the bad event is still influencing me. It's still happening. If I accept, forgive and let go, the bad event disappears. It happened, it felt bad, but I've gotten over it and it holds nothing over me anymore. I won't feed it and give it power angsting over it. I release it and be free. Maybe forget it even ever happened.
This can be difficult. It's something else to forgive someone raping you, than it is forgiving someone for cutting you off in traffic. If you don't accept, no matter how hard it would feel now, and forgive your rapist, it's like the event hasn't passed. I'm not saying you should accept being raped, I'm saying you should accept having been raped. If you hold on to it, it will keep you down. Only by letting go, are you ever free.
Third, I believe everyone deserves to be loved, accepted and unjudged. I have no political view of the justice system to give you now, unjudged doesn't mean that. Unjudged, a word I may have just invented, means to live freely without being judged by normal people. Judges can judge if you do something wrong, but not normal people. As Jesus said: "He who is without sin, should cast the first stone." or something like that. If you don't want people to judge you, don't judge people. I sure as hell don't like to be judged for who and what I am, so I try to refrain from judging other people for who and what they are.
This is important. People are, due to interdependence, who they are because other people are who they are, and things are how they are and because of everything that's ever happened anywhere to anyone, indirectly, insignificantly, but still. It isn't fair to judge people because of their looks. It's a part of them. I don't even think it's fair to morally judge a thief. She is a thief because of everything that has happened not just in her life, but what has happened in the lives of everyone she has ever met and how they have treated her, where she has lived and who else has lived there, and as I said in the interdependence part, everything. By saying this, I mean you too have very indirectly influenced everyone else. I don't want to judge anyone, because I am in them too, so then I'm judging myself as a part of him/her. And I don't like to be judged. I'm not gonna go into loving and accepting more since they kinda work the same way.
Fourth, I believe that cultivating a curious, child-like mind, experiencing everything anew, will bring much happiness to my life. It's not just a belief though. I know it because when I do it I feel it working. To do this, for example: Look at literally anything, knowingly letting go of all assumptions, expectations and definitions of it. Look at a table like you've never seen a table before. What is this! Now I have to warn you, doing this in an open space office, will probably make you look retarded. But hey, from what I've seen and heard, retarded, or more simple minded people, are usually happier. Do it when you can, but don't let it destroy your life. Do it in your mind. Don't ask your wife "What is this? What are these? How do you use this?" Just experience with curiosity and intrigue, inside your being, and nobody will see anything different in you, except the radiance of joy
Fifth, I believe one shouldn't be sure of anything. I have made the mistake many times in a dangerous situation, being sure there isn't any danger, not re-checking and being exposed to danger. It's better to be sure than sorry. Don't go neurotic on me though, don't keep rechecking if you have your keys with you through the whole day. It will just gnaw at you. Be free to experiences. Accept difficulties and events that seem to hinder you. Do not not do something because of fear what might happen. If you don't do something, let it be governed by something else than fear. Checking your keys is a fear of having left the keys somewhere and not getting back home to safety. Oh, back to topic.
Sixth, fear nothing. If you feel a fear of doing something, do it anyway. Fear sucks. Believe me. I've lived in fear for many years. Acceptance destroys fear. If I'm afraid of doing something, because something might happen, what do I have to fear if I accept the unwanted result? So what if X, I'll live.
Seventh, I do not believe in dying. I am everyone. I live in everyone and everything. If I "die", it is just the ceasing of this conciousness and one manifestation of life itself, and even the universe. I will continue to live in everything and everyone I've influenced ever in my years of living. Even slightly. Combined, that's still a lot of me living. And they will be living forever, until the whole world is no more. Grandiose? Yeah, a westerner might call it that. *hipster glasses*.
These are all what resonate with my very being. Tearing down everything about not being hedonistic, speaking only loving words and all that buddhism was, left me with these seven truths. I say truths, because they're true to me. Do not take my word for anything. Never be sure. These are what I feel are true now, but they will probably change as I change. Again, do not believe me, rather....
Eighth, I am enough. I don't need an outside truth that was figured by someone else. I need to listen to myself and feel what is true to me. Find it in meditation, in the Flow, or whatever feels right for you. I'm not here to tell you what's true for you, nobody should do that. These are just my beliefs I had to clarify for myself so I could be once again at peace, without huge mental chaos. Find what's right for you. Listen to no-one's advice. Who do they think they are, knowing better about your life than you yourself. Free yourself. Listen to yourself. Know yourself.
Oh and also
Ninth, be present. Every moment you live longing for the past or hoping for the future; or regretting the past and fearing the future, is another moment you are not living in what there is right now. To me, the only thing there is, is right now. My fingers dancing on the keyboard. Thinking I could picture the future would be arrogant. How could I, one person, think I knew how everything would turn out. Besides what good does it do to only start living and being happy after I've reached this or that goal or milestone. I'll be happy when I get this. After you get it you're already looking for something else you don't yet have. Be content with this moment. I'm here because I prioritized myself in this moment to let my fingers dance. I have an exam in a few hours, but I couldn't possibly picture how that moment will turn out, nor is it required of me. The beauty of life is that it's a surprise. When I get to the exam room, who knows who else will be there. Some may have fallen sick and have not come. Who knows what the exam will look like. I'm not typing here, wishing to be there. I'm not typing and wishing to be reading for the exam. I'm typing here, treasuring this moment, and every in and out breath. Soon I will probably be reading for the exam. I might make food if I become hungry. Who knows! But now? When everything happens and is not just a projection of the mind? I make sure I'm present.
TL;DR?
I believe in:
-Interdependence
-Accepting and letting go
-Love, accept and don't judge others
-Intrigued, simple mind
-Never be sure
-Live without fear
-Death is an illusion, you live on in everything
-You don't need a dogma, find your own truth
-Being conscious of what is going on, living in every moment
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Thoughts about categories and definitions
I have tried my best to not restrict myself with descriptions, so I can act truthfully to my self-in-the-moment. If I had described myself as an introvert, or as any other description, I would be compelled to act, if not extroverted, then at least extrovertish, for example.
It would be an image held by, if not myself, then at least by someone hearing the attribution. They might think "Well he is really quiet. I thought Jill said he was very funny and outgoing."
It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't get stuck with those definitions. Buddhism helped me in my life a lot. Categorizing myself as a Buddhist, not so much.
That's because I needed an outside help to tell me I don't need to be stuck in Buddhism any longer, but rather be true to my current self.
If you get stuck into a description, and live by that description without thinking if it is any longer relevant to your interests, therein lies the problem.
Be what you are, even tell people what you are if you want to, but keep this in mind. Even if you would not, other people will get stuck to definitions.
"I thought you were gay!" "I wanted to watch this movie with you because I thought you liked thrillers!"
It might have been true at some point.
Update yourself if you need to describe yourself. Don't be stuck at 45 thinking you just love doing something, when, if you thought about it mindfully, you're just doing it because you don't know any better.
It would be an image held by, if not myself, then at least by someone hearing the attribution. They might think "Well he is really quiet. I thought Jill said he was very funny and outgoing."
It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't get stuck with those definitions. Buddhism helped me in my life a lot. Categorizing myself as a Buddhist, not so much.
That's because I needed an outside help to tell me I don't need to be stuck in Buddhism any longer, but rather be true to my current self.
If you get stuck into a description, and live by that description without thinking if it is any longer relevant to your interests, therein lies the problem.
Be what you are, even tell people what you are if you want to, but keep this in mind. Even if you would not, other people will get stuck to definitions.
"I thought you were gay!" "I wanted to watch this movie with you because I thought you liked thrillers!"
It might have been true at some point.
Update yourself if you need to describe yourself. Don't be stuck at 45 thinking you just love doing something, when, if you thought about it mindfully, you're just doing it because you don't know any better.
Release yourself
Just watched a video that brought me to self-realization.
In most of the books about Buddhism that I've read there has always been something like "Buddhism isn't about having some idea about Buddhism. It's just being who you are."
When I first read those lines before absorbing all the "Be compassionate, love everyone etc." things I kind of thought: "Yeah yeah, that's not gonna happen to me."
But it did.
I held up high an ideal self, that I was aspiring towards, unconsciously. One that accepts everything and loves everyone.
You can't really be free, if you're attached to some dogma or a thought how you should be. Whatever you are, be that because you want to and not because someone says you should.
What you are truly is enough. Sure you can keep meditating even though it's part of what has been taught, but do it for yourself and because you have experienced that it does good things to you. Don't take what others say as truths. Truth is the most subjective thing in the world. Everyone has a truth. Being true to your truth is, I think, the ultimate way of being.
Find out what's true for you.
It's probably easier to find with contemplation. If you read books to find the truth, then contemplate on the idea a book gives you. The book might be telling the truth of the writer, but is it your truth?
In most of the books about Buddhism that I've read there has always been something like "Buddhism isn't about having some idea about Buddhism. It's just being who you are."
When I first read those lines before absorbing all the "Be compassionate, love everyone etc." things I kind of thought: "Yeah yeah, that's not gonna happen to me."
But it did.
I held up high an ideal self, that I was aspiring towards, unconsciously. One that accepts everything and loves everyone.
Absolute freedom
You can't really be free, if you're attached to some dogma or a thought how you should be. Whatever you are, be that because you want to and not because someone says you should.
What you are truly is enough. Sure you can keep meditating even though it's part of what has been taught, but do it for yourself and because you have experienced that it does good things to you. Don't take what others say as truths. Truth is the most subjective thing in the world. Everyone has a truth. Being true to your truth is, I think, the ultimate way of being.
Find out what's true for you.
It's probably easier to find with contemplation. If you read books to find the truth, then contemplate on the idea a book gives you. The book might be telling the truth of the writer, but is it your truth?
Friday, November 2, 2012
Thoughts about happiness
Feeling of happiness comes and goes. You felt happy for getting that new phone. You felt happy when you saw something beautiful. You felt happy for getting your eyebrow pierced (I did, for a week and then I kinda forgot about it). Is there even such a thing as lasting happiness, or does it have to fade away at some point?
You lose that feeling of excitement and happiness, when you get used to whatever it was you did to have the feeling in the first place. Getting used to things will narrow our experience of old and new things a lot. Cultivating a beginner's mind, seeing everything like seeing it for the first time, is cultivating a child-like mind. The kind of mind that gets excited about everything. "OMG Sand!" "OMG Grass!" Feeling that is not really all that hard. Being happy is not really all that hard.
When you stop ignoring things that you are used to, you can feel like you see them for the first time. "Hey cool, this is very nice and looks so good!" When you take control - of how you feel about and react to things - with awareness you can feel a child-like happiness about anything. Look at kids playing; are they serious about anything? In their mind they make sticks into airplanes and it's awesome. Why isn't it for us? We are serious adults who think different. We have given up the mind of the child and now, when we want to search for happiness, we have no idea how to find it.
The only one who really knows if you're happy is you. And you can be happy in your mind without really adjusting the things you do only the things you feel. You don't have to spin around with your office chair, you can just sit on it feel "wheee" and start doing your job. And when you take a pencil in your hand you can feel "wow, you can do all sorts with this" and start writing what you were supposed to. What you feel doesn't have to manipulate what you do and get you fired. Only thing that shows is your smile. Best part is that because you are always aware of things around you and the happy feeling, it won't fade away because there is always something around us.
Zen mind, Beginner's mind
You lose that feeling of excitement and happiness, when you get used to whatever it was you did to have the feeling in the first place. Getting used to things will narrow our experience of old and new things a lot. Cultivating a beginner's mind, seeing everything like seeing it for the first time, is cultivating a child-like mind. The kind of mind that gets excited about everything. "OMG Sand!" "OMG Grass!" Feeling that is not really all that hard. Being happy is not really all that hard.
It's all in the mind
When you stop ignoring things that you are used to, you can feel like you see them for the first time. "Hey cool, this is very nice and looks so good!" When you take control - of how you feel about and react to things - with awareness you can feel a child-like happiness about anything. Look at kids playing; are they serious about anything? In their mind they make sticks into airplanes and it's awesome. Why isn't it for us? We are serious adults who think different. We have given up the mind of the child and now, when we want to search for happiness, we have no idea how to find it.
You don't have to play with sticks in your office
The only one who really knows if you're happy is you. And you can be happy in your mind without really adjusting the things you do only the things you feel. You don't have to spin around with your office chair, you can just sit on it feel "wheee" and start doing your job. And when you take a pencil in your hand you can feel "wow, you can do all sorts with this" and start writing what you were supposed to. What you feel doesn't have to manipulate what you do and get you fired. Only thing that shows is your smile. Best part is that because you are always aware of things around you and the happy feeling, it won't fade away because there is always something around us.
Thoughts about living and loving
I don't particularly have a love life. This is partly because I choose not to have one. Partly because I can't be arsed to meet a lot of people to find one that suits my personality. It's okay though because not having a love life doesn't mean you can't or don't have love.
Love comes in one form
Personally I don't recognize romantic love even as real love. It's more like this lusty-clingy-wanty-needy thing. To me love, real love, is only unconditional. That's the kind of love you can give, without expecting anything back, to anyone, everyone and everything. I love life, and try to love everything in it. I'm not perfect, no one is (or everyone is, as themselves, with their imperfections) so I can only try. I've had a meditation practice for about a year and a half, last 2 months being very on-off, but now I'm back on track. Sometimes when I try to feel love for a person that was mean to me, it doesn't always work out so well. But I'm trying, doing and improving.
Remember to breathe
Not just to breathe, but to know that you are breathing. Be aware of your breathing. When you are immersed in the breath, your mind calms down. You can sometimes stop yourself before you react to things instinctively, like being angry at "that guy", and instead feel compassionately that maybe that guy has had a really tough day. Breathe, smile and hope that he will have a nicer rest of the day. If you think you're not up to being a selfless lover consider this: loving and smiling makes you happy. There's been studies. Think about it, love is a good feeling to have inside. When you love, even if it's romantic love, don't you feel good inside? When you smile, don't you feel a tiny bit happier? Now how about when you're angry at someone. Does that feel good?
Start small
Even if this feels right for you, and something you might want to implement in your life, you probably can't really love the whole world in the next instance. It might feel like "yeah yeah, I'm loving it all", but getting there is not instantaneous. You can start with whatever feels manageable, loving bypassers, family, even the not-so-lovable aunt (she has had things happening in her life that have morphed her the way she is now and it's okay). Work your way up. Do what feels comfortable.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)