Perfection is a lie

Have you seen a picture of a person so flawless, that you thought his/her appearance was simply perfect? The image was, no doubt, manipulated.

There is no person in the world, whose picture after a photoshoot would not get improved upon with an image manipulation software.

That's because no one is as perfect as our false images of perfection are. Nor should anyone be. We as a collective have become too picky. It's not enough that someone is beautiful or stunning. Her skin has to be perfect. Otherwise we will comment on her (I'm using the female pronoun because men can be rocking a stubble and scars, but for women that is unacceptable) appearance as not being pretty enough, as not being just perfect and right.

We have lost the appreciation of imperfect beauty, whilst being fed images of manipulated perfection. Why? Well, it probably started after someone figured out to make their models look a bit better than other companies models in advertisements, through manipulation.

So why would we buy a product that is brought to us by a normal looking, kind woman, when we could buy the product given us by the dominating icon of perfection? That, however is no longer a real person. If we go out to the real world, we will not see that person, anywhere, because she does not exist. It is an image.

You might have heard people displaying disgust if there is even a slight problem with a person's appearance. And I do mean even a slight. I'm not a fanboy, but Kristen Stewart is not an "ugly bitch". Sure she's not perfect, but nor are people criticizing her appearance. Nor is anyone. Nor should anyone be.

Critical thinking has it's places in the world (especially questioning authority and norm), but being too critical of other people.... If you're going to criticize others, then you are inviting others to criticize yourself. Same goes for other things. Have your mind with you. Don't just criticize for the sake of criticizing. Also think positive when you can. See more than one view if you can. I don't want a world where, instead of "I liked these parts of X (even though it wasn't perfect)", we will only hear "I fucking hated X (because of these parts that weren't perfect and didn't live up to my expectations, even though there were a lot of good parts but those are not worth remembering)".

All in all, I think we should reduce the emphasis we put on perfection, and try to see the perfection of imperfection.

My Little Psychosis

First of all, my psychosis was a peculiar kind. That is, I did not know I even was psychotic. Subconsciously I must have known, since I could answer the doctor that asked whether I heard voices, with a cry, maybe a silent yes, but most definitely by a nod.

I was put on anti-psychotics immediately and what happened is almost beyond describing. It was like an endless, horror-filled night had subsided and the dawn of a new day, no, a new age, was finally upon me.

That is actually how I knew what I had had. The difference between unmedicated and medicated was worlds apart. I had thought what I felt was natural, having succumbed into it for so long, and after getting out of that dark place had I finally seen what the world could be like.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I ever heard voices even though I told the doctor so. Not from the outside at least. I did have a lot of thoughts, mostly unhealthy, and the only voice in my head was my own.

Maybe that's why it felt right to believe it. It was, after all, I. My inner voice.
 I lived many months, maybe even a year, fearing for my life every day. I knew for a fact that there was a real risk in going out and walking from my apartment to my parents' house 200 meters away. If I didn't see anyone outside that could have wanted to kill me, there would always be snipers far away just waiting for a clean shot.

Why would anyone want to kill a nobody like me?

In my psychosis, there was no logic. It didn't have to be rational for I wasn't one to question what I knew was real.

The desire to kill others came mainly from violent images showing what I should do "pounding" in my mind. Maybe it wasn't as much a desire to kill, as it was a desire to stop the pounding images.

To avoid killing anyone, I played video games. It was a good way to distract myself. If I didn't occupy my mind, my mind would occupy itself. I played as long into the night as I could, until I could no longer stay awake, had no violent images and most definitely had no energy left to kill anybody. Especially my girlfriend that I shared a bed with and to whom I became a real pain in the neck.

I did what I have now vowed to never do again to anyone. I restricted her life. I took away her friends, her social life, everything. I told her I didn't want her to do anything without me, and because I wasn't in the habit of leaving the house neither could she. She could go to school and to the store, but never to have any real life, never to see any real people. I had become a manipulative a-hole.

And she endured what no one should be made to endure. And what I will never make anyone endure again.

I feel like this post has been building up for a really big ending, but I just can't figure out a way to climax it. So I guess I'll just end it like this.

Respecting The Living

I don't know why, but I've never really grasped the idea of respecting the dead. As a kid, death, to me, wasn't something sad. I just thought it was that person's time to go. Letting go of the past and appreciating the dead in ourselves is much more important to me

These days it's mainly due to my belief in interdependance, the dead we are honoring live in us and not just in us but in everyone. Everyone they ever influenced in anyway. So to honor the living, and yourself, is actually just another way to honor the dead.

This feeling of interconnectedness and gratitude towards the dead for making us who we are, is to me more real than a candle on a grave. If we get stuck on the feeling that they have passed, we might forget that they still live on in us and everyone else

Had to change my name

I had to change my name.

Being against all descriptions and having a described name was eating me. Also I haven't really felt very introverted or zen in the last week. I'll tag this post with my previous posting name so you will find it. I'll check what I can do.

Psychotic Ex

I have a confession to make. I'm a psychotic ex.

Everyone has an understanding of what a psychotic ex is like. Mostly it's different kinds of stalking, jealousy and manipulation. But I'm not like that.

I'm not a psychotic ex in the normal sense of the word pairing. What I mean by psychotic ex is merely that I've been married and I suffer from psychosis. It has nothing to do with stalking or jealousy. I'm not what you would first think when you read the words.

Thinking that you know something or someone because you've heard things, might not always correlate to reality all that well.

Things aren't always that simple. You have to take into account the credibility of the source, and even then be careful what to believe.

One problem in buddhism

As a Buddhist, you're supposed to speak lovingly. I think the "mantra" to think before speaking was something like "is what you are about to say: loving, kind, helpful and needed" if it wasn't, stay quiet.

This introduced a problem for me. It feels okay and appropriate in a monastery, but it didn't translate well to my life and relationships. If I was to think of the mantra before speaking to a stranger, sure it probably would have worked nicely. That's because there is no relationship.

If I start being "lovelier than thou" to a friend with whom I am usually changing words of pretty rough stuff, he would most likely feel very awkward. Making someone feel awkward doesn't seem like a wholesome activity.

Let's just say an outsider would probably think I'm an asshole if they heard me talking like that to a friend.

But to us that is loving speech. He knows I love him when I say the things I say, and I know he loves me when he responds in kind and we laugh. We both are creating happiness in each other. Isn't that the purpose of loving speech?

I get it. You're not supposed to speak nonsense, not in a monastery. I'm just not ready to abandon my laughing, fucked up sangha by being the most awkward person to be around. I also know most of the stuff we speak comes from mostly our ego. Humor after all feeds the ego.

My priority isn't on becoming enlightened and "boring". My priority is to live my life as I see best. I like making my friends feel good rather than awkward, and as long as I'm present and conscious about what I do, it's fine, and rather than impose my ego defeating "beliefs" on friends who love to laugh, I prefer to give them what they like in their life. To me that's loving.

What I believe in right now

I have to write this out now, mindfully, as a kind of therapy and self-revelation. As you might know I've thrown away a belief system quite recently. That doesn't however mean that I have no belief. As a belief here, I think I mean something that isn't seen in the everyday life, or perhaps better would be just something that is beyond senses. I can't call it supernatural, because to me it's the most natural thing in the world.

First, I believe in interdependence. This to me, means that as we are now, we could not exist without everything else in the world as they are now. If I hadn't eaten this meal that was provided by the whole world directly and indirectly, I wouldn't be as I am now. I would be a different me. One that had not eaten the meal, and therefore wouldn't be quite as nourished now. I am always me in the present moment. I live with the decisions I make. I am always me, but I wouldn't be the same me if things had gone differently.

I am not only me, but I am everyone. And everything. Me consists of things that are not me, but have made me me. I am the persons who bullied me at school, they have helped make me who I am today. I would be totally different had I not been bullied. They live in me, their actions and impressions. Also in me live their parents, the people who provided them and their parents with food; like farmers, butchers and everything that helped them be them. When I go beyond time and space and think what has influenced, even seemly insignificantly, to things, persons, anything. A smile, a bread, a ray of sun. These have all influenced people. And those people have indirectly passed down the ray of sun to everyone they meet.

Second, I believe that accepting things brings much less suffering than holding onto grief about things. There are horrible things happening in the world, that's for sure, but to let go of the negative feelings they have brought us is to let go of them. If something bad had happened to me yesterday, it would probably have felt bad at that moment. I can hold on to the bad feeling if I want, but that only means the bad event is still influencing me. It's still happening. If I accept, forgive and let go, the bad event disappears. It happened, it felt bad, but I've gotten over it and it holds nothing over me anymore. I won't feed it and give it power angsting over it. I release it and be free. Maybe forget it even ever happened.

This can be difficult. It's something else to forgive someone raping you, than it is forgiving someone for cutting you off in traffic. If you don't accept, no matter how hard it would feel now, and forgive your rapist, it's like the event hasn't passed. I'm not saying you should accept being raped, I'm saying you should accept having been raped. If you hold on to it, it will keep you down. Only by letting go, are you ever free.

Third, I believe everyone deserves to be loved, accepted and unjudged. I have no political view of the justice system to give you now, unjudged doesn't mean that. Unjudged, a word I may have just invented, means to live freely without being judged by normal people. Judges can judge if you do something wrong, but not normal people. As Jesus said: "He who is without sin, should cast the first stone." or something like that. If you don't want people to judge you, don't judge people. I sure as hell don't like to be judged for who and what I am, so I try to refrain from judging other people for who and what they are.

This is important. People are, due to interdependence, who they are because other people are who they are, and things are how they are and because of everything that's ever happened anywhere to anyone, indirectly, insignificantly, but still. It isn't fair to judge people because of their looks. It's a part of them. I don't even think it's fair to morally judge a thief. She is a thief because of everything that has happened not just in her life, but what has happened in the lives of everyone she has ever met and how they have treated her, where she has lived and who else has lived there, and as I said in the interdependence part, everything. By saying this, I mean you too have very indirectly influenced everyone else. I don't want to judge anyone, because I am in them too, so then I'm judging myself as a part of him/her. And I don't like to be judged. I'm not gonna go into loving and accepting more since they kinda work the same way.

Fourth, I believe that cultivating a curious, child-like mind, experiencing everything anew, will bring much happiness to my life. It's not just a belief though. I know it because when I do it I feel it working. To do this, for example: Look at literally anything, knowingly letting go of all assumptions, expectations and definitions of it. Look at a table like you've never seen a table before. What is this! Now I have to warn you, doing this in an open space office, will probably make you look retarded. But hey, from what I've seen and heard, retarded, or more simple minded people, are usually happier. Do it when you can, but don't let it destroy your life. Do it in your mind. Don't ask your wife "What is this? What are these? How do you use this?" Just experience with curiosity and intrigue, inside your being, and nobody will see anything different in you, except the radiance of joy

Fifth, I believe one shouldn't be sure of anything. I have made the mistake many times in a dangerous situation, being sure there isn't any danger, not re-checking and being exposed to danger. It's better to be sure than sorry. Don't go neurotic on me though, don't keep rechecking if you have your keys with you through the whole day. It will just gnaw at you. Be free to experiences. Accept difficulties and events that seem to hinder you. Do not not do something because of fear what might happen. If you don't do something, let it be governed by something else than fear. Checking your keys is a fear of having left the keys somewhere and not getting back home to safety. Oh, back to topic.

Sixth, fear nothing. If you feel a fear of doing something, do it anyway. Fear sucks. Believe me. I've lived in fear for many years. Acceptance destroys fear. If I'm afraid of doing something, because something might happen, what do I have to fear if I accept the unwanted result? So what if X, I'll live.


Seventh, I do not believe in dying. I am everyone. I live in everyone and everything. If I "die", it is just the ceasing of this conciousness and one manifestation of life itself, and even the universe. I will continue to live in everything and everyone I've influenced ever in my years of living. Even slightly. Combined, that's still a lot of me living. And they will be living forever, until the whole world is no more. Grandiose? Yeah, a westerner might call it that. *hipster glasses*.

These are all what resonate with my very being. Tearing down everything about not being hedonistic, speaking only loving words and all that buddhism was, left me with these seven truths. I say truths, because they're true to me. Do not take my word for anything. Never be sure. These are what I feel are true now, but they will probably change as I change. Again, do not believe me, rather....

Eighth, I am enough. I don't need an outside truth that was figured by someone else. I need to listen to myself and feel what is true to me. Find it in meditation, in the Flow, or whatever feels right for you. I'm not here to tell you what's true for you, nobody should do that. These are just my beliefs I had to clarify for myself so I could be once again at peace, without huge mental chaos. Find what's right for you. Listen to no-one's advice. Who do they think they are, knowing better about your life than you yourself. Free yourself. Listen to yourself. Know yourself.

Oh and also

Ninth, be present. Every moment you live longing for the past or hoping for the future; or regretting the past and fearing the future, is another moment you are not living in what there is right now. To me, the only thing there is, is right now. My fingers dancing on the keyboard. Thinking I could picture the future would be arrogant. How could I, one person, think I knew how everything would turn out. Besides what good does it do to only start living and being happy after I've reached this or that goal or milestone. I'll be happy when I get this. After you get it you're already looking for something else you don't yet have. Be content with this moment. I'm here because I prioritized myself in this moment to let my fingers dance. I have an exam in a few hours, but I couldn't possibly picture how that moment will turn out, nor is it required of me. The beauty of life is that it's a surprise. When I get to the exam room, who knows who else will be there. Some may have fallen sick and have not come. Who knows what the exam will look like. I'm not typing here, wishing to be there. I'm not typing and wishing to be reading for the exam. I'm typing here, treasuring this moment, and every in and out breath. Soon I will probably be reading for the exam. I might make food if I become hungry. Who knows! But now? When everything happens and is not just a projection of the mind? I make sure I'm present.

TL;DR?

I believe in:
-Interdependence
-Accepting and letting go
-Love, accept and don't judge others
-Intrigued, simple mind
-Never be sure
-Live without fear
-Death is an illusion, you live on in everything
-You don't need a dogma, find your own truth
-Being conscious of what is going on, living in every moment